Sad again....

So, after a few days of feeling relatively normal, I'm back in the Pit of Despair again.  Take me away, Prince Humperdink.

So, todays sadness is brought to you courtesy of my attorney, who has decided that I need a dose of reality, and has decided to smack me around a little with it (this is all figurative, you know that, right?).  I'm not stressed enough, oh not enough for him.  No, he's got to flame the fans of my depression by sending me emails full of passive-aggressive phrases, and insinuates that I am a "difficult" client.  I suppose this is because I get frustrated by the lack of communication with him, and the constant & neverending delays of the workers compensation process, and tell him so.

Today, he told me he's beginning to think he never, ever, live up to my expectations, not because of anything he or his staff have done (shouldn't that be, haven't done?), but because of the entire workers comp system.

Really?  My expectations are this:  I am paying you to fight for me.  To me, that means investing a little less in your "friendships", and a little more in getting your client what she needs.  To me, this means, call me once in a while, email me every 2 weeks - even if all you have to say is, "no news, just checking in".  It does NOT mean, take a condescending tone.  It does NOT mean setting expectations, raising my hopes, only to get pissy when I hold you to those expectations.  It means explaining things to me when I ask questions, taking my calls, and calling me back, especially if I have expressly asked you NOT to email me, but to call me.

So, here's reality for ya.  And, I'm putting way too much info here, but... Money.  I don't have enough of it.  I run a little short every month, and usually have to work a few hours extra to make ends meet.  This is not unusual.  I'm running out of money, though, and will have to work around 10-20 hours per pay period to be able to meet my mortgage, and other bills.  No big deal, right?  It hurts like hell to work, but I would make myself do it.

So, here's the million dollar question.  How am I going to do that after my surgery?  Not after I'm healed, and returned to work.  But, in the days, weeks, months, following surgery, how will I survive?  How will I make the mortgage payments?  Lest you think this is something new, I've been having this exact same discussion with my attorney, and paralegal, ALL YEAR LONG.  They have known, ALL YEAR, that without an advance on my settlement, I probably won't be able to afford the surgery.  Not a new concept, at all.

Except that, today, he acts like he's never heard it before.  He's the one who mentioned it to me, long ago.  He's forgotten that.  Completely.  So, todays message is that it is highly unlikely I'll get that advance, and there's no legal remedy because the company isn't obligated to pay.  I'm on their good graces.  Yeah, so I figure I have about the same chance as a snowball in Hell surviving the experience.  So, in case you  don't know already, I have ZERO chance.  I think, morally, they are obligated. 

So, I'm reading this, getting more and more upset, and panicked, and start crying.  And, crying.  Like, those body wracking sobs crying.  I rarely cry in front of kids.  Sure, I weep a little, tear up at commercials and tv shows, movies, etc... but not out and out hysterical sobbing.  Broke that record today.  Poor Schyler - came in, put his arms around me, and just waited it out.  We talked it over, but there's really nothing he can do.  He, and the others, are in school, and that's where they'll stay.

So, I've been walking around today, feeling dead and leaden.  Attorney hasn't responded to my lastest email (shock and surprise, here), and I don't expect to hear from him.  He expects me to go to the hearing next week - oh, so finally, I'm to go to a hearing.  Not like you haven't been to several over the year, but now you want me there.  It's supposed to let the commissioner know that I'm taking my case seriously.

Are you fucking kidding me???  I've been taking this thing seriously since,,, oh, that's right - when it happened! fucking morons, all of them.  But, I'm back to my question - what good does it do to get an approval (and would you believe that the adjustor STILL has not issued the approval????), if I can't have the surgery anyway?

And, all this time, I'm trying to figure out what I've done to deserve any of this.  Not trying to have a pity party, but I honest to God cannot figure out what I've done that would warrant all this.  I don't think I'm a terrible person, but maybe I am.  Clearly, I've done something, and I'd make it right, but I just don't know what it is.