No Ren post today -- I'm too tired, in too much pain, and far too upset to write about it.
My left arm, not to be outdone by the right arm, has chosen today to hurt. And, I mean HURT. Elbow down to hand, the pain is so awful.
So, in other news -- spoke to my attorney today. Looks like the financial landslide is going to come pouring down on me. To court tomorrow to discuss payments with a creditor. What was the point in going to debt settlement, if the creditors won't work with the settlement people. I'm really scared where this is going to lead.
No word yet on the $$ owed by workers comp. I've demanded, yes, demanded, that my attorney ask for proof that the voluntary agreement has been signed by the lazy, shiftless, no-good, comp adjustor, and submitted to the state. Where the hell is my money???
He thinks the surgery will happen this year, but there is still some ridiculous argument over the rate of pay. Seems the lazy, shiftless, worthless piece of crap that is the adjustor wants to pay an hourly rate from 1994. Ok, but.... the herniated disk wasn't found until 2005 - so how you can go back to 1994? Brian says it's laziness, but if we have to go to a formal hearing, it won't happen until October, and the court has 120 days to render an decision. Can you say, "hey Peanut, you're totally fucked"? I sure can.
The pain is so awful, and I can't even get through one fucking day without Vicodin and an anti-inflammatory. Will have to ask attorneys about which doctor I'm supposed to go to to change up medications. There just has to be something out there that can provide me with more relief, and give me back some kind of life until this stupid surgery.
All I do is cry. Seriously wish I could just end it all. One of the very few times I regret having children. Without them, I'd be free to put myself out of misery and pain, and not worry about leaving someone behind.
Only one good note - will see FWB this week. I'm glad, but mustering up enthusiasm right now is so hard.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Ren Faire! Part 1
This will probably get broken into parts, hence the title of the post. It's late, I'm tired, and I have to get up early and work tomorrow. Yeah, looking forward to that.
So, the Faire... it was a bright and glorious day, lots of beautiful sunshine and sunny skies. We took off at 8:05 (LOL) and arrived at the parking grounds around 10-ish. After helping Gwenn & Shannon finish dressing in their Faire attire, we bought our tickets and entered the actual Faire grounds.
Huge HUGE crowd right at the entrance - we weren't exactly sure why. The Queen had already entered (we usually get to see this), so I think some players were entertaining folks, but naturally, things got bottle-necked.
We cut around the large group and headed for the photo places to have our "portraits made". By the time, we got to it, I was already in much pain. Between the car ride, and the walk in, my neck and shoulder were like, "are you f-ing kidding???" I was determined not to listen, however. Shannon asked me if I was ok, and I nearly lost it, 'cause I really wasn't, and I didn't want to ruin everyone's day. I pulled myself together, struggled into a costume, and we had our picture done (it turned out really well - I'll try to post it). Jill & I were dressed as queens, and the girls were pirates (of course, they were wearing their pirate costumes, duh!)
After that was done, we headed for the henna booth. Mind you, every year I get a henna tattoo, but I'm usually wearing my garb, which of course, lifts and pushes together "the girls". My tat is usually a dragon, done on the right "girl". (ok, really? that term totally cracks me up) This year, that wasn't going to happen, so I looked through the books, and found this really cool sun (yeah, I'll try to post that, too). The girl at the henna booth remembered me, and noticed I was really stiff. We had a brief conversation, and she expressed sympathy, which was very kind of her
While I was waiting, I looked out of the booth, and saw my absolute favorite player, Little John. I have no idea what this man's name is, but my GOD, he is so delicious looking! This year, his hair is very long, and instead of the blonde I'm used to seeing, it's a gorgeous gray! The really odd thing is I really don't like long hair on a man, but he carries it oh so well!! So, I asked Shannon to get a picture of him. Not only did she do that, she told him I think he's "pretty", and would he take a picture with me? Of course! he said... and put his arm around me. I, of course, blushed a thousand shades of red, and giggled like a teenager with her first crush. He looked down at me, and said "ok, hug me like you mean it, love", and pulled me closer. SWOOOOOON!!!! So, I tried to wrap myself around him... oh my GOD he's a big man!! LOLOL
Once done with henna, we began to walk around, visiting different shops. Shannon found a scarf with coins sewn on, and wore that with her costume. She jangled all day, but we knew where she was!!! And, it looked fabulous!
Next, we were off to see Dextre Tripp. If you've never heard of this guy, or seen his act, you've just got to. He's funny, and unbelievably cute. He has dark curly hair, which he keeps back with a doofy little hat. He wears a white shirt, vest, and very TIGHT black tights. He tells fairly bad jokes, and plays with fire. He always chooses people from the audience to help him with this act, with hilarious results. He juggles a chainsaw, and does a highwire act. Thankfully, he does NOT do those 2 things at one time!
So, during the show, I was getting progressively more uncomfortable. As we had been walking to the show, I began to fall behind our group - it was just so difficult to walk without jarring my neck and shoulder. Shannon dropped back to ask if I was ok - I wasn't, and asked her if she thought the others noticed. Oh yes, she said. So, reluctantly, I agreed to take a pain pill, which I did, after Dextre's show.
Not long after that, I began to feel much better, and we began walking around again. The girls went off on their own to shop for feathers, and Jill & I decided to get a little something to eat, and rest a while. I had my sausage on a stick, which was delicious!
I'm leaving a ton of stuff out, which I'm sure I'll figure out how to get back to - for instance, after our pics, we stopped to eat a little something, which we always do. So, you see, this is going to need several posts. :))
Ok, probably not a great place to stop, but I've got to get to bed, and I'm so tired and uncomfortable, I'm probably not making a whole bunch of sense, anyway.
So, the Faire... it was a bright and glorious day, lots of beautiful sunshine and sunny skies. We took off at 8:05 (LOL) and arrived at the parking grounds around 10-ish. After helping Gwenn & Shannon finish dressing in their Faire attire, we bought our tickets and entered the actual Faire grounds.
Huge HUGE crowd right at the entrance - we weren't exactly sure why. The Queen had already entered (we usually get to see this), so I think some players were entertaining folks, but naturally, things got bottle-necked.
We cut around the large group and headed for the photo places to have our "portraits made". By the time, we got to it, I was already in much pain. Between the car ride, and the walk in, my neck and shoulder were like, "are you f-ing kidding???" I was determined not to listen, however. Shannon asked me if I was ok, and I nearly lost it, 'cause I really wasn't, and I didn't want to ruin everyone's day. I pulled myself together, struggled into a costume, and we had our picture done (it turned out really well - I'll try to post it). Jill & I were dressed as queens, and the girls were pirates (of course, they were wearing their pirate costumes, duh!)
After that was done, we headed for the henna booth. Mind you, every year I get a henna tattoo, but I'm usually wearing my garb, which of course, lifts and pushes together "the girls". My tat is usually a dragon, done on the right "girl". (ok, really? that term totally cracks me up) This year, that wasn't going to happen, so I looked through the books, and found this really cool sun (yeah, I'll try to post that, too). The girl at the henna booth remembered me, and noticed I was really stiff. We had a brief conversation, and she expressed sympathy, which was very kind of her
While I was waiting, I looked out of the booth, and saw my absolute favorite player, Little John. I have no idea what this man's name is, but my GOD, he is so delicious looking! This year, his hair is very long, and instead of the blonde I'm used to seeing, it's a gorgeous gray! The really odd thing is I really don't like long hair on a man, but he carries it oh so well!! So, I asked Shannon to get a picture of him. Not only did she do that, she told him I think he's "pretty", and would he take a picture with me? Of course! he said... and put his arm around me. I, of course, blushed a thousand shades of red, and giggled like a teenager with her first crush. He looked down at me, and said "ok, hug me like you mean it, love", and pulled me closer. SWOOOOOON!!!! So, I tried to wrap myself around him... oh my GOD he's a big man!! LOLOL
Once done with henna, we began to walk around, visiting different shops. Shannon found a scarf with coins sewn on, and wore that with her costume. She jangled all day, but we knew where she was!!! And, it looked fabulous!
Next, we were off to see Dextre Tripp. If you've never heard of this guy, or seen his act, you've just got to. He's funny, and unbelievably cute. He has dark curly hair, which he keeps back with a doofy little hat. He wears a white shirt, vest, and very TIGHT black tights. He tells fairly bad jokes, and plays with fire. He always chooses people from the audience to help him with this act, with hilarious results. He juggles a chainsaw, and does a highwire act. Thankfully, he does NOT do those 2 things at one time!
So, during the show, I was getting progressively more uncomfortable. As we had been walking to the show, I began to fall behind our group - it was just so difficult to walk without jarring my neck and shoulder. Shannon dropped back to ask if I was ok - I wasn't, and asked her if she thought the others noticed. Oh yes, she said. So, reluctantly, I agreed to take a pain pill, which I did, after Dextre's show.
Not long after that, I began to feel much better, and we began walking around again. The girls went off on their own to shop for feathers, and Jill & I decided to get a little something to eat, and rest a while. I had my sausage on a stick, which was delicious!
I'm leaving a ton of stuff out, which I'm sure I'll figure out how to get back to - for instance, after our pics, we stopped to eat a little something, which we always do. So, you see, this is going to need several posts. :))
Ok, probably not a great place to stop, but I've got to get to bed, and I'm so tired and uncomfortable, I'm probably not making a whole bunch of sense, anyway.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
To the Faire!!!
So, this Saturday, I;m going to the Renaissance Faire. I go every year, with Shannon, and friends Jill & Gwenn. It's a big deal - we make sure we get our coupons printed from the site (hey $3 off is a big deal!), we plan what to wear, confirm pick up time (Jill drives every year, and every year she asks, "do you know how to get there? We've been going for at least 5 or 6 years to the same Faire..... I think I know how to get there by now! I love her!)
This year will be a bit different. Oh, the planning is the same, and the excitement is building. We already know a few things we'll do -- the picture at the beginning of the day, to be picked up just before the joust at the end of the day; then, off to get food. I always get sausage on a stick. A big ole sausage, shoved on a stick and cooked over flame. So juicy and tender, full of sausage-y goodness. Ok, yes, it is shaped like a particular part of man's anatomy, and I do enjoy sliding it into my mouth.... and, laughing my ass off when guys passing by either stare or trip! Yes, slut girl here.
Then, most years, it's off to get the henna tattoo. One must do this at the beginning of the day, before one gets too sweaty (yeah, got a bit formal with the prose there). Mine is almost always a dragon, drawn right on one of the "girls", who as usually stuffed, lifted, and pushed together in a corset of some kind.
Alas, this year, that is not meant to be this year. A bit of a diversion here - my neck/shoulder/arm won't tolerate my costume this year, so I'm going to look like a tourist -- shorts and a tank top, with sneakers. So, I'm not sure about the tattoo. Or placement.
Anyway, after the visit to the tattoo lady, we begin to wander. We consult the "program" to map out the day. Dextre Tripp is a must - the man is just plain hilarious, and how can you not love a man who has such a cute little ass, and wears the tightest tights that were ever tight? AND juggles chainsaws? While telling really bad jokes?
Some years, there are really great plays. One year, we saw Medea, and laughed our asses off. Men playing all the parts, except for one lone woman playing a young man. I don't remember Medea being a comedy, but it was that day. I forget what the play was last year, but again, laughed my ass off. These people work so hard to make Faire days great days - and they really pull it off.
Then, wandering around more, looking at all the wares. Stop for more food - usually a cheese & fruit platter. I dunno, I'm kinda thinking fried onion this year. We'll see. More plays, stopping at the various clothing stores to oooh and ahhhh and sigh. Oh, to have money to waste on these clothes!!! But... even in the midst of Faire frenzy, I realize $300 for a new corset is Not in the Budget. Sigh
However.... a new piece of jewelry is a must. I can wear any old thing, so can get away with $15 or $20 earrings. I may look for a necklace or bracelet this year. Then, off to the head shop... I mean, pipe shop. Just to look, mind you, although I have purchased an item or two for FWB in the past - yes, he smokes. Cigarettes. Regular ones you can buy at the store. Jeez, people!
Then, to the candy stand, where, I kid you not, is the Fattest Woman at the Faire. This is not an unkind statement, simply a statement of fact. I'm not sure she ever leaves that booth - at least, not until the Faire is over at the end of September.
We have to cross the Kissing Bridge to get to the bathrooms (they have port-a-potties, but, really? Are you kidding me?). Naturally, no one attempts to kiss Jill or me, but they LOVE Shannon and Gwenn! After the potty break, we walk along the shops again, passing by the dragon store (yeah, not what you think), and getting a pretzel from the grumpiest vendor at the Faire. I'm not kidding.
We finally wind down the last path, and head for the joust. Oh, forgot!!! We always get a pickle from the Pickle Man. Last year, the Queen was purchasing a pickle (well, one of her retinue purchased it for her - the vendor tried to make a gift of it, but she wouldn't hear of it) when we arrived. We made our courtesies, and she spoke with us a bit, asking if we planned to attend the joust, who would be our Champion, and then swept off.
We make our way to the joust (picking up our pictures first), eating our pickles, and learning our cheers. Then, the joust starts! I forget all the characters, but there's the Black Knight, and Robin Hood. The Black Knight, of course, loses - and is a sore loser. Mayhem breaks out, Maid Marian is taken captive, a huge battle ensues!!! But, as always, the good side wins, and the Queen instructs her bishop to marry Robin Hood & Maid Marian (yeah, forget these are different eras, just have a good time!), and all is well in the realm.
Off we go, heading out to our car, along with all the other tired and happy Faire-goers. We usually strip down in the parking lot (minds out of the gutter, please - we don't get naked, though there is a good deal of giggling and holding up dirty dresses to hide behind), and get into our every day clothes. We drive off, happy, tired, and laughing. We usually stop for dinner on our way home - past couple of years its been Cracker Barrel - then head for home.
That's Faire day. This weekend it looks like the weather will be very fine - low humidity, high 70's/low '80's, dry... I can't wait!
This year will be a bit different. Oh, the planning is the same, and the excitement is building. We already know a few things we'll do -- the picture at the beginning of the day, to be picked up just before the joust at the end of the day; then, off to get food. I always get sausage on a stick. A big ole sausage, shoved on a stick and cooked over flame. So juicy and tender, full of sausage-y goodness. Ok, yes, it is shaped like a particular part of man's anatomy, and I do enjoy sliding it into my mouth.... and, laughing my ass off when guys passing by either stare or trip! Yes, slut girl here.
Then, most years, it's off to get the henna tattoo. One must do this at the beginning of the day, before one gets too sweaty (yeah, got a bit formal with the prose there). Mine is almost always a dragon, drawn right on one of the "girls", who as usually stuffed, lifted, and pushed together in a corset of some kind.
Alas, this year, that is not meant to be this year. A bit of a diversion here - my neck/shoulder/arm won't tolerate my costume this year, so I'm going to look like a tourist -- shorts and a tank top, with sneakers. So, I'm not sure about the tattoo. Or placement.
Anyway, after the visit to the tattoo lady, we begin to wander. We consult the "program" to map out the day. Dextre Tripp is a must - the man is just plain hilarious, and how can you not love a man who has such a cute little ass, and wears the tightest tights that were ever tight? AND juggles chainsaws? While telling really bad jokes?
Some years, there are really great plays. One year, we saw Medea, and laughed our asses off. Men playing all the parts, except for one lone woman playing a young man. I don't remember Medea being a comedy, but it was that day. I forget what the play was last year, but again, laughed my ass off. These people work so hard to make Faire days great days - and they really pull it off.
Then, wandering around more, looking at all the wares. Stop for more food - usually a cheese & fruit platter. I dunno, I'm kinda thinking fried onion this year. We'll see. More plays, stopping at the various clothing stores to oooh and ahhhh and sigh. Oh, to have money to waste on these clothes!!! But... even in the midst of Faire frenzy, I realize $300 for a new corset is Not in the Budget. Sigh
However.... a new piece of jewelry is a must. I can wear any old thing, so can get away with $15 or $20 earrings. I may look for a necklace or bracelet this year. Then, off to the head shop... I mean, pipe shop. Just to look, mind you, although I have purchased an item or two for FWB in the past - yes, he smokes. Cigarettes. Regular ones you can buy at the store. Jeez, people!
Then, to the candy stand, where, I kid you not, is the Fattest Woman at the Faire. This is not an unkind statement, simply a statement of fact. I'm not sure she ever leaves that booth - at least, not until the Faire is over at the end of September.
We have to cross the Kissing Bridge to get to the bathrooms (they have port-a-potties, but, really? Are you kidding me?). Naturally, no one attempts to kiss Jill or me, but they LOVE Shannon and Gwenn! After the potty break, we walk along the shops again, passing by the dragon store (yeah, not what you think), and getting a pretzel from the grumpiest vendor at the Faire. I'm not kidding.
We finally wind down the last path, and head for the joust. Oh, forgot!!! We always get a pickle from the Pickle Man. Last year, the Queen was purchasing a pickle (well, one of her retinue purchased it for her - the vendor tried to make a gift of it, but she wouldn't hear of it) when we arrived. We made our courtesies, and she spoke with us a bit, asking if we planned to attend the joust, who would be our Champion, and then swept off.
We make our way to the joust (picking up our pictures first), eating our pickles, and learning our cheers. Then, the joust starts! I forget all the characters, but there's the Black Knight, and Robin Hood. The Black Knight, of course, loses - and is a sore loser. Mayhem breaks out, Maid Marian is taken captive, a huge battle ensues!!! But, as always, the good side wins, and the Queen instructs her bishop to marry Robin Hood & Maid Marian (yeah, forget these are different eras, just have a good time!), and all is well in the realm.
Off we go, heading out to our car, along with all the other tired and happy Faire-goers. We usually strip down in the parking lot (minds out of the gutter, please - we don't get naked, though there is a good deal of giggling and holding up dirty dresses to hide behind), and get into our every day clothes. We drive off, happy, tired, and laughing. We usually stop for dinner on our way home - past couple of years its been Cracker Barrel - then head for home.
That's Faire day. This weekend it looks like the weather will be very fine - low humidity, high 70's/low '80's, dry... I can't wait!
Comforting things....
So, as I sit in my bed, eating softened Dove chocolates, and watching Project Runway, I'm thinking of comfort things. Not comforting things (yeah, I know... the title thing), but comfort things.
The other day, it turned out all 4 of us would be home for dinner. I was excited - I've missed sitting at the dinner table with my kids, talking, listening, laughing (we do a LOT of laughing!) - and texted everybody - "what do you want for dinner?" Lots of "I don't know, what do you want", and misc ideas no one was really interested in. Then, someone said, "ham?", and we were off to the races.
Would there be scalloped potatoes? Yes. With cheese? Yes. What about applesauce? Yes. What veggie? Um, fresh green beans? YES YES came back the chorus.
As we sat around the table, happily eating, laughing, talking, it occurred to me --- this is comfort food. This is home - I asked who wanted to make the scalloped potatoes, and got thunderstruck looks in return. "You need to make them! Ours never come out right! We've tried!! They're not RIGHT when we make them!" Comfort.
So, I've been thinking about this. Things that comfort. I had a better day today - not physically, but emotionally. I started wondering what made this a different day. It was a comfort day. Munchkin was back at work (for a short time, as it turned out, but I got some reassuring friend contact that I've been missing - cause this is all about me right now, and Munchkin's story is for Munchkin to tell), heard from FWB, tiny pieces of good news during the day. I got past a difficult conversation with my manager (I hadn't yet told her about my upcoming surgery- she took it surprisingly well, albeit with a touch of panic, which was (oddly) comforting. I'm needed! I'm necessary!).
This is a little different, I think, than what we usually consider comfort things. Sometimes it's things -a favorite blanket, pillow, book. Sometimes it's food - ham, chicken corn soup, chocolate. Sometimes it's people - FWB, Munchkin, a friend I've never met in real life (but have "known" for years).
I think I'm going to split posts, because there are other things I want to write about, but I don't want this post (or any post) to be excessively long, and because I don't want to bounce round and round in one post. Also, because some day, I might want to read what I've written, and I don't want to wade through a bunch of shit to get to what I want! LOL
The other day, it turned out all 4 of us would be home for dinner. I was excited - I've missed sitting at the dinner table with my kids, talking, listening, laughing (we do a LOT of laughing!) - and texted everybody - "what do you want for dinner?" Lots of "I don't know, what do you want", and misc ideas no one was really interested in. Then, someone said, "ham?", and we were off to the races.
Would there be scalloped potatoes? Yes. With cheese? Yes. What about applesauce? Yes. What veggie? Um, fresh green beans? YES YES came back the chorus.
As we sat around the table, happily eating, laughing, talking, it occurred to me --- this is comfort food. This is home - I asked who wanted to make the scalloped potatoes, and got thunderstruck looks in return. "You need to make them! Ours never come out right! We've tried!! They're not RIGHT when we make them!" Comfort.
So, I've been thinking about this. Things that comfort. I had a better day today - not physically, but emotionally. I started wondering what made this a different day. It was a comfort day. Munchkin was back at work (for a short time, as it turned out, but I got some reassuring friend contact that I've been missing - cause this is all about me right now, and Munchkin's story is for Munchkin to tell), heard from FWB, tiny pieces of good news during the day. I got past a difficult conversation with my manager (I hadn't yet told her about my upcoming surgery- she took it surprisingly well, albeit with a touch of panic, which was (oddly) comforting. I'm needed! I'm necessary!).
This is a little different, I think, than what we usually consider comfort things. Sometimes it's things -a favorite blanket, pillow, book. Sometimes it's food - ham, chicken corn soup, chocolate. Sometimes it's people - FWB, Munchkin, a friend I've never met in real life (but have "known" for years).
I think I'm going to split posts, because there are other things I want to write about, but I don't want this post (or any post) to be excessively long, and because I don't want to bounce round and round in one post. Also, because some day, I might want to read what I've written, and I don't want to wade through a bunch of shit to get to what I want! LOL
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
I hate finding a title
I'm just not that good at it. I always want something snappy, but you know what? I can never figure one out.
So, while I'm sitting here trying to organize my thoughts into a coherent post, trying to figure out what I want to say, I've got a million things zipping through my head.
Have to take Schyler to work. Want to take a pain pill - fuck, I take too many pain pills (yeah, only one a day, but waaaay too fucking many), how am I going to get that book to Wendy, will I remember to take it when we get together, and when are we getting together? Shit, I have to go to court on Tuesday, ok, well, that's Tuesday, and I have way to many other things right now. Are you shitting me??? This neck thing is actually so bad I need surgery!?? Who's going to take care of things? Damn, I need to write a will. Don't want to scare the kids, but will make subtle reminders - anything goes wrong - PULL THE DAMN PLUG. I am not worth going into hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt over. How am I going to pay the bills? Will the money get worked out? Speaking of that - where is that damn money comp owes me?? I'll bet that fucking Carolyn Thomas is STILL holding onto the paperwork, probably hasn't submitted the VA, and that's why I'm still waiting for $$.
That's a tiny fraction of the bullshit going through my head ALL THE TIME. No wonder I'm so damned tired. And, this week, my ... FWB.... is away, and phone contact is nearly non-existent. I miss him - I miss his advice and really bad jokes. I miss our mundane conversations - especially right now, when I need a distraction. I'm in my head way too much - I know I shouldn't be, but I am.
I keep wondering if I should find some kind of support group. I'm incredibly depressed.... despondent, my FWB calls it. The thoughts are dark and very real. I'm tired, I'm alone, and I'm overwhelmed. This is mean, I know, but I can't even rely on my mom. My brother has prostate cancer, and she's so worried about him, that what's going on with me hasn't really sunk in. They've caught his cancer very early - so early, in fact, that's he's able to go on his yearly vacation, and will have his prostate removed when he gets back. I'm relieved they caught it early, and hope that when the prostate is removed, all will be well. I'm sure it will be. I would call, and tell him so, but a) he's away on vacation, and b) we don't talk. I'll save the whole family dynamic for another time.
Right now, I have to wrap up. Only a few minutes till I take Schy to work. Think I'll get some fresh corn on the way home. We got propane for the grill yesterday, and I've defrosted a small steak. So, steak, fresh corn, tomatoes, maybe some french fries. We'll see - it's so blessed humid that my appetite could evaporate by the time I get back from taking Schy to work.
So, while I'm sitting here trying to organize my thoughts into a coherent post, trying to figure out what I want to say, I've got a million things zipping through my head.
Have to take Schyler to work. Want to take a pain pill - fuck, I take too many pain pills (yeah, only one a day, but waaaay too fucking many), how am I going to get that book to Wendy, will I remember to take it when we get together, and when are we getting together? Shit, I have to go to court on Tuesday, ok, well, that's Tuesday, and I have way to many other things right now. Are you shitting me??? This neck thing is actually so bad I need surgery!?? Who's going to take care of things? Damn, I need to write a will. Don't want to scare the kids, but will make subtle reminders - anything goes wrong - PULL THE DAMN PLUG. I am not worth going into hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt over. How am I going to pay the bills? Will the money get worked out? Speaking of that - where is that damn money comp owes me?? I'll bet that fucking Carolyn Thomas is STILL holding onto the paperwork, probably hasn't submitted the VA, and that's why I'm still waiting for $$.
That's a tiny fraction of the bullshit going through my head ALL THE TIME. No wonder I'm so damned tired. And, this week, my ... FWB.... is away, and phone contact is nearly non-existent. I miss him - I miss his advice and really bad jokes. I miss our mundane conversations - especially right now, when I need a distraction. I'm in my head way too much - I know I shouldn't be, but I am.
I keep wondering if I should find some kind of support group. I'm incredibly depressed.... despondent, my FWB calls it. The thoughts are dark and very real. I'm tired, I'm alone, and I'm overwhelmed. This is mean, I know, but I can't even rely on my mom. My brother has prostate cancer, and she's so worried about him, that what's going on with me hasn't really sunk in. They've caught his cancer very early - so early, in fact, that's he's able to go on his yearly vacation, and will have his prostate removed when he gets back. I'm relieved they caught it early, and hope that when the prostate is removed, all will be well. I'm sure it will be. I would call, and tell him so, but a) he's away on vacation, and b) we don't talk. I'll save the whole family dynamic for another time.
Right now, I have to wrap up. Only a few minutes till I take Schy to work. Think I'll get some fresh corn on the way home. We got propane for the grill yesterday, and I've defrosted a small steak. So, steak, fresh corn, tomatoes, maybe some french fries. We'll see - it's so blessed humid that my appetite could evaporate by the time I get back from taking Schy to work.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Here we go.....
Everybody's doing it, right? Well, here I am. I've never thought my life particularly interesting, but I need a place to vent, post observations, or just put down thoughts.
First... the name. Peanut is my nickname, given to me by a great friend as a result of a several day "battle" of Princess Bride quotes via IM at work. Yes,we both had things to do, but it was fun, and a great stress reliever. I can get her convulsed with laughter simply by saying "Anybody want a peanut?". I love that.
Second.... who am I? Well, I'm defined by several things -- I have 3 children, so I'm a mom. I'm a daughter, friend, neighbor, employee, client, ...... bitch. LOL
I was injured at work 17 years ago, and have never been the same since. My life has become defined by pain - what will it be like today? Under control? Off the charts? For those who know the pain scale, I live every day with pain that ranges between 6 and 8, spiking to 9 more times than I can count. Over the past 18 months, it's gotten worse - my life has scaled way down. I'm not as active as I was, and the bad days outnumber the good days. A close friend has said I have a naturally buoyant personality, but I have become despondent as this wears on.
Everything is a battle - getting care, doctors appointments, money. The company I work for would rather waste money on attorneys and hearings then try to find an effective way to either help with me deal with, or reduce/eliminate, my pain. Yeah, this is a company that's won customer service awards. None from me.
So, we'll see how this goes. I hope every post won't be a litany of poor me, that I can find good things to post about, funny things I've observed. Mostly, though, it's a place for me to spew.
First... the name. Peanut is my nickname, given to me by a great friend as a result of a several day "battle" of Princess Bride quotes via IM at work. Yes,we both had things to do, but it was fun, and a great stress reliever. I can get her convulsed with laughter simply by saying "Anybody want a peanut?". I love that.
Second.... who am I? Well, I'm defined by several things -- I have 3 children, so I'm a mom. I'm a daughter, friend, neighbor, employee, client, ...... bitch. LOL
I was injured at work 17 years ago, and have never been the same since. My life has become defined by pain - what will it be like today? Under control? Off the charts? For those who know the pain scale, I live every day with pain that ranges between 6 and 8, spiking to 9 more times than I can count. Over the past 18 months, it's gotten worse - my life has scaled way down. I'm not as active as I was, and the bad days outnumber the good days. A close friend has said I have a naturally buoyant personality, but I have become despondent as this wears on.
Everything is a battle - getting care, doctors appointments, money. The company I work for would rather waste money on attorneys and hearings then try to find an effective way to either help with me deal with, or reduce/eliminate, my pain. Yeah, this is a company that's won customer service awards. None from me.
So, we'll see how this goes. I hope every post won't be a litany of poor me, that I can find good things to post about, funny things I've observed. Mostly, though, it's a place for me to spew.
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