New Year

It's about 4 days before my surgery.  I'm not sure how I feel.  Scared?  Nervous?  I don't know.  I seem to be focusing on everything around this, and not the actual surgery.  I'm supposed to answer questions, but I don't have the answers.  This whole process has just been confirming what everyone tells me - I'm a control freak.  And, I'm freaking out because I have no control over this.

I know the world won't end, but I can wish my kids would get with the program.  4 days before surgery is not the time to pretend to be helpless about something as simple as laundry.  Hoist on my petard -- my behavior coming back to bite me on the ass.  Everyone sitting on their ass, while I run around making myself crazy.

I keep waiting for w/c to pull the rug out from under me.  Maybe it'll be my pay.  There are no guarantees that this new stupid adjustor will be able to competently set my weekly benefits up properly - and the last thing I can afford to is be short for paying bills while I'm recovering.  I'm terrified of running out of available cash, or having that feeling.  Well, all the kids have jobs - they can find a way to contribute.

Tomorrow is the final pre-op visit, where I hope to get some more answers.  I still don't know how long this surgery will be.  I know they can't tell me how long I'll be in the hospital - I hope only one overnight - but perhaps I can get a little more information to calm my nerves.

I know I don't want to be alone.  Thank God for Munchkin - I feel so much better knowing she'll be sitting with Shannon and keeping her company.  I really hate the idea of her being by herself.  Jason and Schyler have already said they aren't staying.  That's fine, but then Shannon would have been by herself - I don't know if she's asked her friends to come by or not.

Only 2 work days - I'm sure they will feel like an eternity.  At least tomorrow is essentially a half day - doctor appointment in the afternoon, and who is to say whether I'll go back to work after.  Who's to say what time we'll be done at the appointment. 

I wish PPPE was here.  I know that's impossible, but his presence would be a huge comfort right now.  Even a phone call would be good right now.  He'd be telling me jokes, and distracting me.  I heard the fear and worry in his voice last night, and I know it's hard for him, too.  It serves no purpose, though, for him to be here while I'm in surgery. 

There are things I should have done, I know, but time got away from me, and I was afraid to do them. 

These stupid steroids are making me crazy.  Crying one minute, angry the next, laughing the minute after that.  I'm glad to be working from home - at least the craziness is contained here.  I need another painkiller, but if I take one now, I won't be able to get up in the morning.  I almost wish I'd taken the whole week off.

Well, this was weird - just a bunch of random brains, while I try to sort out what I think and feel.  Problem is, I still don't know.