I'm not sure I can put this in a way that make sense. For everyone else, the surgery was a big deal (it was for me, too, but I'll get to that). They had to sit and wait for hours (the surgery was nearly 3 hours, and I ended up being in recovery for nearly the same amount of time). This is a huge amount of time for them. They had to wait after I was taken to the operating room, wait for the surgeon to come out, wait for me to be out of recovery, wait for me to get to my room. In other words - they were awake and aware of time passing.
Me? I "slept" through the whole thing. All I know is that I was conscious, then I wasn't, then I was. I have no concept of the time I was out of it. I know how long it was because other people have told me. But I didn't experience it. So, the best comparison I have is that I went to sleep, and woke up.
So, to some degree, I think my frustration is that I have this disconnect going on. I don't feel fine, I don't feel like myself, I'm tired all the time, I'm more emotional now than even I thought possible. Stairs are a challenge; walking is a challenge. Putting on my damn clothes is a challenge. Things I took for granted (washing my hair, putting on my shoes) I can't take for granted.
I'm well aware this is all very temporary and that I need to get over myself. I think the reason I'm having so much trouble accepting that I can't do more is that I'm a control freak, and if I say I should be do "x", well, then dammit, I can do "x". Only, I can't, and my body is very quick to tell me so. I have also internalized my mother to a degree you would not believe (and no, I'm not going to bore you with that).
So, here's the thing. I'm a control freak. I want things to move at a faster pace then they are. Add to this the fear that people will be think I'm faking it, that I'm taking too long, that I should be doing whatever it is they think I should be doing.
Sometimes, all I want to do is lie in bed. Just be in bed, and do whatever. Watch tv, read, watch movies, catch up on crap on the internet. For sure, I could not do my job right now. Sitting up too long makes me feel worse, and I shuffle, not walk (although, sometimes, if I'm not exhausted, or highly fatigued, I can walk, it's just picking up my feet up is working dammit!).
I really do want to sit back, relax, and let things happen. I'm on Valium, for god's sake. Isn't that supposed to reduce anxiety? I need to realize that I actually do have a lot on my plate, but that there is only so much I can do about it, and work with it was I need to. I recently made a financial decision which allowed me to put things into the hands of an attorney (who came well recommended) and gives me the opportunity to do what I need to do. And, at the end of it, I should come out of the financial issues in a better place, which should go a long way towards easing my mind in that arena.
You know, if this weren't so sad, it'd be funny. How many times have we said - oh, if only I had the time, I'd lie around, watch tv or movies, read those books I've been meaning to catch up on, just relax. Well, here I am - that's all I can do, and yet I'm bitching about it. Just no pleasing some people, is there?
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